From Falling in Love to Lasting Love – and the Role of Freedom

Falling in love is beautiful – intoxicating and full of longing. But if we don’t translate it into action, it remains an illusion that can quickly burst. The transition only succeeds when we ask ourselves what we truly want and whether we are ready to go deeper. And this is where freedom plays the decisive role: not clinging, but choosing – and thus allowing a spark to become real fire or closing things in a healthy way.

1. What is Falling in Love?

Falling in love is an intense feeling that can suddenly overwhelm us – or build up slowly when we meet someone again and again. It’s that classic butterfly feeling in the stomach everyone knows: just the thought of the person makes our heart beat faster, and when we see them, we suddenly feel like a child again. We don’t know how to act, everything feels new and unfamiliar. Hormones go wild, and often we idealize the other person and long to be close to them.

It’s a wonderful feeling we are allowed to enjoy – but it has an expiration date. Falling in love can be the beginning of a deep, lasting relationship – or an illusion that fades if no one takes action. Many stumble into it, live it out, and then wonder why everything breaks apart once the high fades. Others take steps, risk rejection, but gain clarity. Doing nothing is almost always the wrong path – because this way we remain stuck in fantasy or in the thought: What would have been if…

Just as dangerous is rushing headfirst into a relationship. If one is truly seeking something serious, it takes time to really get to know the other person and test whether you are a good fit. Falling in love is a spark – but whether it becomes a fire is decided only through action, maturity, and patience.

2. What is Love?

Love is, above all, a decision. Falling in love feels light and exhilarating – but true love only reveals itself when the overwhelming feelings have settled and we have truly gotten to know the person. That’s when the moment comes where you can say: “Wow, this is someone I want to share my life with.” Or: “I value this person because of qualities I admire.”

Love means choosing someone again and again – even on the days when it’s hard, when there are no butterflies, but instead daily life and maybe even conflict. Many don’t make this transition. As soon as the feelings fade, they move on, because nothing solid and deep was built. But those who took the time to truly see, and not only follow the first rush of infatuation, will still be able to say after the butterflies are gone: “I love this person.”

At that point, it’s no longer just about feelings but about qualities you value – and weaknesses you accept and carry with them. No one is perfect, but love means still saying yes. This is where the decision comes in: not being driven by moods or emotions, but consciously standing up for the other person.

Love shows itself in action. Faithfulness is an action. Responsibility is an action. Care is an action. Even when you don’t feel like it, the decision remains to want the best for the other.

3. Freedom as a Requirement for Real Love

True love is always bound to freedom. If you are not free – if you enter a relationship only because you cannot cope on your own, because you depend on validation, or because the new relationship is just a bandage for the old – then that is not love but dependency. That is exactly where toxic relationships begin. Many people jump from one relationship straight into the next without ever truly processing the past. But real healing takes time. Only when you are ready to be alone and face your wounds can the space arise within you to choose out of freedom.

Real love can only grow where both partners have learned to be at peace with themselves. If you like yourself, can accept yourself, and enjoy time alone, then you don’t need anyone to feel complete. And only from this inner fullness can you truly decide for another person out of genuine love – and that is love.

Many relationships fail because they are built not on freedom but on dependency. This creates fears that, in turn, lead to more lack of freedom and quickly to control. Worries grow: “Will he stay faithful? Will she cheat?” Those who love in freedom do not know this insecurity. They trust, because they know the other, because they are sure he will not run away in hard times, not escape into addictions, and not immediately seek someone else’s arms for validation at the first problem.

Love is mature. It sees the weaknesses of the other and carries them. It is free, because it doesn’t act out of lack. And it is deep, because it is based on a conscious decision. Not every person is ready for that – because love requires that we are healed enough to sustain a relationship. We will never be perfect, nor completely healed. But we can become capable of living a mature and lasting love.

That is the crucial difference: Falling in love says “I need you to be happy.” Love says “I am happy and free – and I choose you.” Falling in love is a spark – love is the fire that remains.

4. Processing the Past

Anyone who wants to become capable of real love must first honestly look at their past. Each of us carries wounds – experiences that left marks. It’s about asking yourself: Where do I still have work to do? Where do I react out of fear instead of freedom? Am I a burden to the other, or can I carry a relationship today? We will never be perfect, but we can take responsibility for our patterns.

Some people react out of fear of being hurt in a way that appears outwardly as indifference. Especially when someone is important to them, they withdraw, look away, or act as if they don’t care. In truth, it’s often the opposite – but this protective reaction blocks closeness. Recognizing such patterns consciously is the first step to change.

Processing also means letting go of past relationships and old crushes. Feelings for someone you never actually had a relationship with can linger for years if you don’t close them inside. At some point, a clear decision is needed: “I tried or I didn’t – but now it’s over.” Because as long as we hang on to illusions, we block ourselves from what could actually come.

Sometimes it helps to set yourself an ultimatum: “I give this person a chance, but not endlessly.” Hoping for years without anything moving forward traps us in a waiting loop that only weakens us. Many women still wait for the man to make the first move – consciously so. I also tend to wait, even when someone is important to me. That can have its reason, but it must not lead to clinging for years without anything developing. Healing means looking at the past, letting go, and opening up again – not from inner lack but from fullness. And in this state of freedom, something new can arise.

5. Overcoming Fixation

A major obstacle on the way to a relationship is fixation. Many know this: as soon as falling in love begins, suddenly everything revolves only around this one person. Your own life, work, friendships – all fade into the background. You live only in thoughts of the other and cling to every little reaction. This often happens when someone is not yet truly free and grounded inside.

Letting go of fixation, however, doesn’t mean being random. Once two people reach the point where both say: “There is something between us, we want to get to know each other,” then it should be exclusive. It’s not about keeping several people warm at once. But as long as nothing binding has been spoken, you shouldn’t fix yourself on just one side but stay open.

And when you are in love, you shouldn’t linger in that limbo forever. It takes honesty to check: “Does the other person feel the same?” “Are they taking steps toward me?” If yes, you can move forward together – and in a fresh relationship, it’s normal to focus more intensely on each other at the beginning. That’s okay. But if there is no reciprocity, only one thing helps: let go. Because waiting endlessly ties you to an illusion and makes you miss the chance for something real.

Conclusion: Love Needs Freedom

Falling in love is a gift – but without awareness, healing, and clear decisions, it remains just a beautiful illusion. The transition succeeds when we face ourselves honestly, let go of the old, and don’t get stuck in fixation, but test whether true reciprocity and a future are possible.

Love does not mean: “I need you so I can be happy.” Love means: “I choose you, although I am already happy and fulfilled.” Real love grows where two free people consciously choose each other – out of fullness, not out of lack.